


you're extra special, something else

by renhyuck (thereisnoreality)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, M/M, jaehyun has a lot of feelings, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 16:36:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17063219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/renhyuck
Summary: Jaehyun doesn’t fit in.He doesn’t match. He’s a fluorescent discrepancy in the gold and glitter of Doyoung’s life. He doesn’t fit in. And the knowledge burns in his chest.Maybe this is what drowning feels like.





	you're extra special, something else

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you have a wonderful rest-of-December and a fantastic 2019!

Jaehyun lets out a high, gasping whine and slumps face first into the silk sheets, sheets that would have been far too fancy were it not for his company, limbs shaking from exertion, sweat dripping down his forehead. His partner slides onto the bed next to him with a low groan, panting shallowly.

 

“I think you killed me,” Jaehyun groans, summoning the last bit of his strength to turn his head sideways.

 

Doyoung lets out a small laugh, still panting. “That would be a great pity,” he says. “Wherever would I find someone willing to do all the things I want and more?”

 

“I’m sure you’d find a willing participant,” Jaehyun mumbles, limbs aching as he turns over, feeling sticky and used, but used in a wonderfully delicious way. “With your money.”

 

Doyoung laughs and swings out of bed to disappear into the bathroom. “Maybe,” he says lightly, coming back with a damp towel. “But I like what I have now.”

 

“Do you have me?” Jaehyun murmurs, taking the towel gratefully and wiping himself off as Doyoung lowers himself back down. He watches in quiet delight as Doyoung’s eyes darken, as he comes close to Jaehyun, close enough for his bangs to brush against Jaehyun’s. “Am I yours?”

 

“I am far too tired to go again,” Doyoung whines quietly instead of pinning Jaehyun down and fucking him again until he can’t speak. He runs a hand up Jaehyun’s side, brushing playfully against his nipple, causing Jaehyun to whine and squirm away, and thumps his forehead down on Jaehyun’s collarbone making him laugh. “Stop being irresistible.”

 

“You’re not nearly old enough to be acting like this,” Jaehyun says, running his hand through Doyoung’s hair, smoothing it down. He’s used to seeing it slicked back, layers of gel and self importance holding it down against the many hours Doyoung works, but now it’s smooth and fluffy, poking up around Doyoung’s head and giving him the air of a vaguely startled rabbit.

 

“It’s been a long week,” Doyoung says, face still smushed against Jaehyun’s chest and it gives him a faint thrill to feel Doyoung’s lips move against his bare skin.

 

“My poor business man,” Jaehyun coos fondly, stroking his hair. “So hardworking.”

 

Doyoung sighs and drops a quick kiss on Jaehyun’s chest before propping himself up on his elbow and rummaging for the phone that is rarely a foot away from his person. “I’ve got a meeting tomorrow, I should leave.”

 

“It’s Saturday night,” Jaehyun protests. “Why are they calling you in on a Sunday morning?”

 

Doyoung gives him a faint smile in between his typing. “The world of finance rarely takes weekends into consideration, baby.”

 

“It should take _me_ into consideration,” Jaehyun whines, playing up the bratty tone just for the way it makes Doyoung’s smile widen, for the way it makes him look up from his phone, even for a brief second. “I want to spend time with you.”

 

“You just want me for my money,” Doyoung accuses but there’s nothing but laughter in his tone as he leans down to kiss Jaehyun again, lingering and sweet.

 

“You caught me,” Jaehyun whispers against his mouth and he licks his lips as Doyoung draws away. “Only for that.” Doyoung hovers over him, eyes filled with a strange emotion and Jaehyun can’t stand it anymore and so he loops his arms around Doyoung’s neck and drags him down for another bruising kiss, tangling their legs together, sufficiently pleased when Doyoung makes a desperate noise and drops his phone on the bed to wrap strong fingers around his waist and haul him closer.

  
  


When Jaehyun wakes to the hotel curtains pushed apart and the sun streaming in through the windows, it’s to an empty bed, a [ note ](https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/poetry-quotes6.jpg) containing a brief quote to a love poem Jaehyun will scour the meaning for later, and several hundred dollars in his bank account.

  
§§§

  


The thing is, Jaehyun hadn’t had any intention of acquiring a sugar daddy. He’d been a regular run-of-the-mill, sleep-deprived college student, stumbling into the first coffee shop he’d seen after his fourth failed job interview of the day and had promptly slammed into a busy, very important looking man, carrying a massive cup of black coffee which had ended up all over his pristine shirt and Jaehyun’s already half broken laptop.

 

Doyoung thankfully hadn’t immediately eviscerated him or, worse, made Jaehyun pay for the dry cleaning which, under the current stress of having a newly destroyed laptop, would have killed him. Instead he’d bought Jaehyun a sandwich and a cup of coffee and had given him an embossed business card, telling Jaehyun he’d pay for all the damages.

 

A month later, Jaehyun had found himself at a very fancy dinner party full of self important people who, he would soon learn, did not contain a fraction of the modesty and selflessness that Doyoung held, with a brand new suit, a suddenly plush bank account, a state of the art laptop sitting at home and a stunningly handsome, accomplished man on his arm.

 

Jaehyun’s pretty sure theirs isn’t the conventional sugar daddy relationship - whatever the hell that means - as he’s rarely called out to stuffy galas and meetings to stand by Doyoung’s side as a pretty face. Instead Doyoung just meets him at coffee shops or insanely high class restaurants during the one hour break he grants himself for meals and lets Jaehyun ramble about his classes, discusses new books or movies with him, makes him feel _important_ and, at the end of the day, fills up his bank account.

 

Jaehyun hadn’t purposely sought out Doyoung, hadn’t really needed his money, and certainly hadn’t wanted for his company, but these days, after almost a year of knowing each other, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

  
§§§

  
  


Jaehyun gets the text into the first commercial break of the night. He pushes away from the mic even though they’re not recording and digs out his phone, sliding his headphones down to his neck.

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (8:17 pm)**

Are you busy tonight?

 

**jaehoney (8:23 pm)**

no whats up?

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (8:23 pm)**

Really? No assignments? I don’t want to distract you from your schoolwork.

 

**jaehoney (8:23 pm)**

realllllyyy dont have anything

i want to see u anyway

id like to be more distracted by u

  


Jaehyun smiles, imagining perfectly the look of exasperation on Doyoung’s face at the row of winky faces he’s sent. It’s one of the weird pet peeves Doyoung has, that truly betrays his age, or at least his age gap from Jaehyun, the fact that he hates texting. He prefers to call, or email, but Jaehyun had absolutely refused to hold one minute conversations over email and so Doyoung was left to deal with his rows of emojis and lack of punctuation.

  


**dadddyyy 👅 (8:24 pm)**

Would you like to go to dinner tonight? There’s a new Indian place that I’ve been waiting to try.

 

**jaehoney (8:24 pm)**

with me?

**dadddyyy 👅 (8:25 pm)**

Of course, who else would I go with?

  


Jaehyun’s smile broadens and he shoots off an affirmation just as their jingle starts and he hurriedly pulls on his headphones, locking his phone.

  


When their show ends, Jaehyun and Johnny stretching out of their chairs, gossiping about the new trouble with the station manager, Jaehyun looks up from slinging his backpack onto his shoulder to see Doyoung leaning against their producer’s desk, chatting animatedly. He looks remarkably out of place in an university radio station, with his work clothes still on, even with the shirt sleeves rolled up to his forearms, blazer nonexistent.

 

“You’re here!” Jaehyun’s unable to hide the surprise and delight in his voice, sidling up to Doyoung, whose face brightens when he turns to sees him. Jaehyun had figured he’d just take the subway to wherever Doyoung was.

 

“I am,” Doyoung agrees, sliding his hand into Jaehyun’s. “I texted you I’d pick you up.”

 

“I didn’t have a chance to look at my phone,” Jaehyun says, an apology that Doyoung immediately dismisses.

 

“I figured,” he says. “Ready to go?”

 

Jaehyun nods and watches in quiet pride as Doyoung bids a cheerful goodbye to their staff, nodding at Johnny as they leave.

 

“Did you listen to our show?” Jaehyun teases as they exit into the cool night. It’s getting rapidly colder as they inch closer to November and Jaehyun shivers, having forgotten a jacket again.

 

“I did actually,” Doyoung says and laughs at the look of surprise on Jaehyun’s face. “I often do, when I’m doing paperwork. Your university broadcasts it online.”

 

“I know,” Jaehyun says, a little stunned as he slides into the front seat of Doyoung’s car, sinking blissfully into the warmth. Doyoung makes a short _tsking_ sound and passes him his blazer that’d been hanging in the back seat. Jaehyun gratefully slides his arms through it, relishing the sharp amber scent that floats off the material, Doyoung’s choice of perfume. “I just didn’t think you’d listen.”

 

“To be fair, I don’t understand a lot of the references you make,” Doyoung says and then makes a face. “God, I sound _old_.”

 

“Have you just figured that out?” Jaehyun laughs, watching Doyoung’s profile flash in and out of the orange streetlights. He’s so horribly handsome, it takes Jaehyun’s breath away. “It’s okay, I’d be surprised if you did. A lot of it is college gossip.”

 

Doyoung just scrunches his nose in response, a habit that only comes out when he’s Jaehyun’s company, and even then only if he’s feeling completely at ease. Jaehyun adores it.

  
“Thank you for listening, anyway,” Jaehyun whispers, oddly touched. The quiet feeling that’s been building up in him for months, threatens to boil over, to spill out. Jaehyun forces it down. “You don’t have to.”

 

“You have a lovely voice for radio.” Doyoung replies, and with his left hand still on the wheel, reaches out with the other and places a searing palm on Jaehyun’s thigh, rubbing his thumb on the outer seam of Jaehyun’s jeans. Where Jaehyun runs cold, cold enough that even a brisk wind will send him shivering, Doyoung feels like a furnace. “It’s a pleasure to listen to.”

 

“Even with the annoying voices we make when reading out student messages?”

 

Doyoung’s mouth twitches in amusement. “Even then.”

 

  
§§§

  


_seven months ago_

  


“I think I love him.”

 

Ten freezes in the act of bringing the forkful of noodles up to his mouth and stares at Jaehyun. He slowly lowers the fork back into the bowl, takes a napkin, wipes up the spilled drops of soup and then places his hands in his lap and takes a breath. “What?”

 

“I think I’m in love with Doyoung.” Jaehyun repeats, still staring at the laptop they have propped up on the coffee table in between them. They’re both too poor to afford a TV and Jaehyun wouldn’t dare of asking Doyoung for money than he needs to get by and so they settle with shady websites playing all the Netflix shows they need to catch up on but can’t anymore since Ten’s ex boyfriend, in a fit of pique, had changed the password on them on the last episode of the latest season of House of Cards.

 

“That’s what I thought you said,” Ten says calmly and then flings the balled up napkin at Jaehyun’s face. “Are you insane?!”

 

“I know!” Jaehyun yelps, bringing up his hand to shield himself from anymore potential missiles. “I’m stupid, I know!”

 

“You can’t fall in love with him,” Ten says aghast. “That’s a supremely bad idea, Jaehyun.”

 

“I didn’t plan on it!”

 

He _hadn’t._  Really and truly. Doyoung was meant to be something fun, something to help out with the never ending wheel of capitalism and how close it was to crushing him, something temporary. But now Jaehyun had found himself, eight months later, drinking in every rare smile Doyoung graced him with, falling deeper and deeper in the dark brown of his eyes, falling in love. And it was horrible.

 

“You have to stop this thing,” Ten tells him, bringing the bowl back up to his mouth. “You’re only going to get hurt in the end, you know that right? It means nothing to him.”

 

It’s harsh and no nonsense and it was the way Ten operated, and Jaehyun winces. He knows Doyoung couldn’t possibly reciprocate, the very thought was laughable. Why would he? Jaehyun was nothing more than a fling, something to show off to the world. He ignores the knowledge  nudging at the back of his brain that Doyoung has done nothing of the sort, has treated him with the utmost respect and kindness.

 

“I- I know,” he says, a little sadly. He has to stop. He’s going to stop.

 

He doesn’t stop.

 

He keeps meeting Doyoung, keeps falling for him, for his compassion and his intelligence and his... _everything._ He falls deeper and deeper into loving Doyoung, into something’s that temporary, into something that’s going to break only him in the end.

 

He doesn’t stop.

  
§§§

 

_present_

  


“A charity gala?” Jaehyun echoes stepping out of the lecture hall into the brisk November wind. His coat flaps around him and he winces, trying to button it one handed while holding his phone up to his ear with the other.

 

“Tomorrow night,” Doyoung confirms but he sounds distracted and Jaehyun can hear the distinct beeping of the copier that sits in Doyoung’s office. “It’s going to be horribly stuffy and boring, but it’ll be a bit more bearable with you there.”

 

“Are you still at work?” Jaehyun asks incredulous, ignoring the way his heart flutters at the words. He knows Doyoung had pulled an all nighter yesterday at the office and it was nearing six pm of the next day. “Did you even go home?”

 

“I’ll go home soon,” Doyoung murmurs. “The gala?”

 

“You know I’ll come,” Jaehyun dismisses the gala, it’s the least of his worries. It’ll be nice to see Doyoung anyway, after a week and a half of not seeing each other, Doyoung busy with new investors and Jaehyun busy with exams. He steps off the curb to cross over to the bus stop on the opposite side of the street before pausing, foot on one white stripe, considering. He has plenty enough money and not enough control. “Go home, Doyoung. You’ve been up for more than thirty hours.”

 

“I will,” Doyoung says in a way that means he definitely won’t.

 

Jaehyun frowns, and then makes his decision and sticks a hand out to hail a cab. “Have you eaten at least?”

 

Doyoung hums and Jaehyun can hear him flipping through papers. “Kun bought me something in the morning.” The sun is about to set and Jaehyun purses his lips in dissatisfaction.

 

“Are you very busy?”

 

There’s a pause and the sound of shuffling stops. “Don’t worry about me, baby. Go home, I know you’ve got that test next week.”

 

Jaehyun makes a noncommittal noise and leans his head against the cab window, watching the lights flash by.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Doyoung asks gently and the quiet feeling swells again in Jaehyun’s chest. He closes his eyes, trying not to think about it. He makes a quiet affirmative noise into the speaker, unable to speak for fear of his voice cracking, and there’s a beat, then the receiver clicks off.

  
  


The wind’s only gotten stronger when Jaehyun shoulders into Doyoung’s building, a bag from the small diner nearby clutched in his hand, and he shivers ducking his nose into his scarf. Doyoung had given it to him, all the way back in February and it remains one of Jaehyun’s favourite articles of clothing. Not for the fabric but for the memory attached to it.

 

The security guard sitting by the darkened front desk doesn’t even glance up as he walks by, just waves him in and a faint bubble of happiness wells up in his chest at the thought of being so entrenched in Doyoung’s life that he doesn’t merit suspicion.

 

Doyoung’s still in his office, just as Jaehyun knew he would be, and he stays there for a second, half hidden from sight watching Doyoung work. He’s half lit by the desk lamp, shirt still crisp and white as ever, sleeves carefully folded up to his elbows, and his hair is still pushed back. He’s breathtaking, a solitary shadow against the city night sky. Jaehyun takes a deep breath and pushes everything far, far down.

  


“Hello, stranger,” Jaehyun sings softly, shouldering his way into the office.

 

Doyoung blinks up at him, startled, and then does a double take. “Jaehyun?” He asks disbelievingly, pen dropping from his fingers.

 

“I brought food,” Jaehyun says brightly, revelling in the way Doyoung smiles suddenly, wide and gummy, lighting up the darkened room in an instant.

 

“My angel,” he says softly, stretching his hand out to meet Jaehyun’s hand as he settles into the seat opposite him. “I thought you were going home?”

 

“I thought you were too,” Jaehyun says mock huffily, opening up the steaming containers and passing them over to Doyoung before toeing off his shoes and curling up into the chair. “Eat, before you do anything else. You look ready to drop dead.”

 

“I feel that way,” Doyoung rubs his eyes. “Thank you for this, darling.”

 

“I didn’t know if I’d be bothering you,” Jaehyun says hesitant. He’s been with Doyoung, in whatever sense of the word, for over a year now, but he’s still afraid of doing too much, of showing too much. Of driving Doyoung away. “But you sounded like you needed strength.”

 

“On the contrary,” Doyoung says, rubbing his thumb across the ridges of Jaehyun’s knuckles. “Seeing you has given me all the strength in the world.”

 

 _Oh._ Jaehyun bites his lower lip and watches Doyoung eat, chest tightening at every slow blink of his lashes, at every swipe of his thumb. Doyoung is dangerous, too dangerous for him. Affecting Jaehyun so easily without even realising.

 

“Will you go home tonight?”

 

Doyoung blinks at him, frown marring his forehead and Jaehyun aches to reach out and smooth it down, to make sure Doyoung does nothing but smile. “I’ve got work,” he starts, dropping his spoon and reaching for the stack of papers on the desk. Jaehyun catches his hand before it can move very far and directs it back to his food, wrapping Doyoung’s hand around the spoon before letting go.

 

“Eat, please,” Jaehyun says. “I’d rather you not pass out on me. And then, please go home.”

 

“I wish I could,” Doyoung says and his every word is coated in exhaustion.

 

“You can,” Jaehyun says. “If not for yourself, then do it for me.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he freezes. That was too much, too much. He’s given himself away.

 

Doyoung sighs, hand tightening in his. He stares down at his desk and Jaehyun readies himself for rejection. “Give me thirty minutes,” he says and all of a sudden Jaehyun’s heart catches itself mid fall and restarts again.

 

“Thirty minutes,” Jaehyun echoes, something warm and soft settling into his chest as he leans back against the chair, watching Doyoung work, sporadically stealing bits of his food for himself.

  
  
  
  


Doyoung’s shoulders lose a large fraction of their tension when they step inside his apartment. Jaehyun waits until Doyoung’s removed his coat, and collapsed on the couch to take off his shoes, to head for the door. He doesn’t want to overstay his welcome.

 

“Are you leaving?” Doyoung calls and Jaehyun turns to see him leaning over the arm of the couch, eyes wide, looking years younger all of a sudden. Jaehyun tries not to smile fondly.

 

“I have to catch the bus before it stops running,” he says, leaning back against the door, as he finishes lacing up his boots.

 

“Stay with me,” Doyoung says in a very quick rush of words.

 

Jaehyun stares at him, not totally comprehending the words. He’s been over to Doyoung’s apartment more times than he count but it’s never for this, never with no other intention but to sleep, never with such an innocent goal in mind. It terrifies him more than anything else he’s done in that bed with Doyoung. “A-are you sure?” He stutters, hand trembling against the doorknob. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.

 

Doyoung swings off the couch and pads over to him, wraps delicate fingers around his wrist, gently tugs him close. “Please,” he breathes, leaning in. Jaehyun can count every individual eyelash at this distance and it robs the breath from his lungs.

 

“Of course,” Jaehyun gives in. It’s silly of Doyoung to even ask, really. There’s nothing Jaehyun wouldn’t do for him.

  
  


His heart threatens to burst out of his chest when Doyoung leads him to bed, when he curls into Jaehyun’s warmth, pressing his nose into the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, tracing mindless patterns into his collarbones. Doyoung’s hair is damp, all the product washed out, and Jaehyun tries not to make it too obvious as he breathes in the scent of Doyoung’s shampoo, lychee and mango wafting off him, tries to slow down his heart lest Doyoung can hear it threaten to rip of out of his ribcage.

 

“Thank you for tonight,” Doyoung mumbles, face still pressed into Jaehyun’s body, already half asleep. It’s the only way Jaehyun can justify what comes out of his mouth next.“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

 

 _Me neither_ Jaehyun thinks, staring up at the ceiling.

 

He should have stopped.

  
  
§§§

  


_nine months ago_

 

Jaehyun turns twenty one in a whirl of chocolate and multi coloured hearts. He doesn’t really have an opinion on Valentines Day, the novelty of his birthday being the same day faded after he entered middle school and had to face the truly terrifying politics of sixth grade love letters.

 

Ten gives him a massive overstuffed bear with a heart sewn into its hands and a windbreaker because Jaehyun strangely feels colder in windy warm weather than in cold still weather. He doesn’t mention his birthday to people otherwise, it feels trite and it seems, to himself anyway, like he’s looking for an excuse to get attention.

  


Jaehyun does, however, meet up with Doyoung the day after his birthday for a business dinner. He’s poured into a fancy blazer and is surrounded by probably the most boring people on earth who were with pretty girls that they most certainly did not deserve on their arms and Doyoung is far too busy negotiating something or the other to pay too much attention to him, but the food is fantastic and Jaehyun strikes up a conversation with the girl who is seated next to him so all in all, it isn’t terrible.

 

He tells Doyoung this when Doyoung fervently apologises afterwards, hands tight on the steering wheel. It was a random quirk of his, driving himself everywhere. While all his coworkers had drivers for them, Doyoung was the only one who insisted on getting behind the wheel.

 

“Stop apologising,” Jaehyun laughs, shrugging out of his blazer. It was toasty warm in the car as Doyoung had gotten into the habit of turning up the heat for him. “It’s your job, you shouldn’t have to focus on me. Plus, it was a really fancy upgrade from last year’s birthday.” He says it unthinkingly, lost in memories of last year when he and Ten had ended up sneaking into movie after movie in the old movie theatre at the edge of the city, going until three am when they finally tripped back to their apartment, giddy from too much soda and overstuffed with popcorn. It had been a good night.

 

Doyoung slams on the brakes as they hit a red light and turns to look at him surprised. “It’s your birthday?” He demands.

 

Jaehyun blinks at him in shock, bracing himself on the dashboard. “Yesterday,” he says, heart thrumming at both the sudden stop and the intense look in Doyoung’s eyes.  

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Doyoung asks and Jaehyun’s a little surprised at the level of emotion in his voice. He didn’t think Doyoung cared enough.

 

“It’s not a big deal,” Jaehyun huffs out a laugh. “I don’t tell people because it’s on Valentine’s. It’s kinda lost its shine at this point.”

 

“I would have bought you something,” Doyoung insists, glancing at the now green light and easing his foot off the brake. “I definitely _wouldn’t_ have taken you to that horrible dinner.”

 

Jaehyun laughs again, suddenly feeling immensely fond of this man, this overworked, overstressed, lonely man who still takes time out of his day to connect with Jaehyun in a meaningful way. “I enjoyed it,” he assures Doyoung, patting him on the hand that’s tight on the steering wheel. “And you don’t need to buy me anything, you already give me way too much.”  


“It was your birthday,” Doyoung says looking sad now. Jaehyun’s fondness for him only rises at the tiny pout that’s forming on his face. Honestly, sometimes he can’t tell the difference between Doyoung and a five year old. “You deserved something nice.”

 

Jaehyun bites down on the _there’s always next year_ that comes to the forefront of his mind. It’s far too presumptuous. “Well thank you for that,” he says gently. “But it’s ok, Doyoung. I don’t really mind.”

 

Doyoung lets it go, but when he drops Jaehyun off at his apartment, there’s still a distracted look on his face. Jaehyun doesn’t think much of it, just brushes his hand briefly across Doyoung’s, thanking him for the night and disappears into his apartment.

  
  
  


He wakes up the next morning to his phone ringing incessantly. Jaehyun groans, fumbling for his phone with his eyes still closed and answers.

 

“What?” He mumbles, pressing his face back into the pillow.

 

There’s a soft laugh on the other end and Jaehyun’s eyes slam open. He knows that laugh. “It’s ten am, how are you still asleep?” Doyoung teases.

 

Jaehyun scrambles to sit upright, the sheets pooling around his waist. “I’m awake,” he lies unconvincingly and Doyoung laughs, clearly sensing the lie.

 

“Regardless, are you busy today?”

 

Jaehyun squints at the calendar, it’s a Sunday. “No,” he croaks and then coughs to stop himself from sounding like a frog on the phone. “What’s up?”

 

“I’m picking you up at noon,” Doyoung says briskly, and Jaehyun panics. “Get ready.”

 

“Wait-” Jaehyun yelps but the phone goes dead and Jaehyun leaps out of bed. Two hours to get ready, he’s fucked.

  
  


 

“What is this?” Jaehyun asks incredulously when Doyoung pulls up to the beach. He’d refused to say anything about where he was taking Jaehyun, had only smiled a mysterious smile and let Jaehyun ask unanswered questions in increasing panic.

 

“This is your birthday present,” Doyoung says brightly, and he rounds the car holding a massive picnic basket.

 

Jaehyun stares at him open mouthed. “What?” He asks dumbfounded.

 

Doyoung holds out an arm for him to take and tugs Jaehyun along the cliffside of the beach laughing at his dumbstruck expression. “I remember you telling me once that you loved the sea,” Doyoung says as he leads them down the hill to an outcropping of rock that sits above the rising tide. “And I felt guilty about not knowing about your birthday and so,” he shrugs.

 

Jaehyun just stares, dumbfounded. He’d mentioned the sea _once_ a long time ago, so long ago that he doesn’t remember precisely when. “You didn’t have to,” he says weakly, sinking down onto the plush blanket that Doyoung lays out. This is far, far too much. A fluttering starts up in chest, quiet butterflies waking from their sleep, raising their heads at Doyoung’s wide smile, at his crinkled eyes.

 

“I know,” Doyoung says. “I wanted to.”

 

Jaehyun swallows past the lump in his throat, and it hurts. It hurts so much becoming attached to someone he knows is temporary. Yet, he can’t help himself. Doyoung chatters away while Jaehyun watches him, letting Doyoung press small bites to him, a fond look in his eyes. It’s a complete switch from their usual selves, where Jaehyun would be endlessly talking and Doyoung listening. Jaehyun basks in it.

  
Below them, the sea crashes insistently against the rocks, a plaintive cry for attention, the dark waters beckoning to Jaehyun. For a moment, he wonders what it’d be like to jump in. Then the wind rushes around them, lifting up the edge of blanket and ruffling Doyoung’s hair back from his face. He looks wonderfully happy, sitting in there in cold sunlight, his skin flushed and Jaehyun shivers, more from the look in his eyes than for the weather.

 

“Here,” Doyoung sits up on his knees and unwraps the scarf from around his neck.

 

“No, I’m fine,” Jaehyun says hurridley, but Doyoung is already leaning above him and winding the scarf gently around his neck.

 

“I know you get cold easily,” Doyoung murmurs, sitting back down. Jaehyun presses his nose into the fabric and breathing in. The scent of Doyoung’s cologne floats off it and Jaehyun’s eyes flutter shut, taking it in.

 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun whispers. “Not just for the scarf, for everything, for this day, for being _here_ . For-” He breaks off before he lets the sentence slip out of his mouth. _For being mine_. It’s not meant for Doyoung to hear, for him to ever hear. It’s going to remain in his heart, pushing up against the beat of his ribcage, until he won’t be able to bear it.

 

Doyoung smiles at him, and it’s so pretty, Jaehyun feels like his heart is jumping off the cliff, ready to surrender to whatever lies ahead, to whatever pain that beautiful smile will bring, and it will, because Jaehyun knows his place and it is not beside the man sitting opposite him.

 

“Happy birthday, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, and it’s barely heard over the rushing of the sea.

 

Jaehyun smiles back, and his heart shakes but not in fear and his fingers tremble but not because of the coldness, and the feeling starts up in chest, slow and viscous, covering his lungs, dripping over his until he can’t breathe.

 

“Thank you.”

 

§§§

 

_present_

 

November fades into December fade into Christmas and Jaehyun goes home for the break, though he’s loathe to leave Doyoung behind alone in the city. He texts Doyoung to go home every night like clockwork and every night is met with the routine excuses he usually gives when he won’t see the inside of his apartment for days.

 

When Jaehyun returns, he spends three days with Doyoung in his apartment, curling up on the couch and watching the old movies that Doyoung loves, cooking, and just talking. It’s a lovelier present than anything Jaehyun has received before combined and the feeling in his chest aches with every beat of his heart, longing for Doyoung even when he’s less than a foot away from Jaehyun, eyes crinkled into the wides, prettiest smile. Jaehyun drowns in it, helpless.

 

                                             

 

It all comes to a head on the night before the New Year, when Jaehyun finds himself at a party with a horribly drunk Ten hanging off him. Jaehyun leans against the wall, the champagne bubbling up in his glass mirroring the laughter rising around the room. Ten giggles at him as he twirls around the room, and Jaehyun can hear him even over the thumping bass. His phone buzzes against his waist and he tugs it out.

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (11:30 pm)**

Happy New Year

 

**jaehoney (11:31 pm)**

you’re about thirty minutes early cutie

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (11:31 pm)**

I couldn’t think of any other way to begin a conversation.

Can I come over?

 

**jaehoney (11:31 pm)**

i’m not at home, it’ll take me a bit to get there

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (11:31 pm)**

It’s fine. We’ll meet tomorrow.

 

**jaehoney (11:32 pm)**

No.

let’s meet

i want to see you

 

**dadddyyy 👅 (11:33 pm)**

Ok.

Halfway?

 

**jaehoney (11:34 pm)**

see you in ten

 

 

**jaehoney (11:36 pm)**

❤️

  
  


Jaehyun meets Doyoung in the middle of his college, under the main tower, as the tower rings signalling the third quarter of the hour.

 

“Did you run here?” Jaehyun huffs gently, fondly, taking in the way Doyoung is flushed, heaving for air.

 

“I - wanted to - see you before midnight,” Doyoung gasps out, fanning his face and Jaehyun smiles, despite himself.

 

“You’re about fifteen minutes early, cutie,” Jaehyun whispers an echo of before.

 

“I wanted to make sure,” Doyoung says, stepping close. His hair is slightly messed up, a distinct lack of gel there, and Jaehyun drinks him, drowns in him. “I didn’t want to miss.. Miss this.”

 

Jaehyun swallows, blinks once, twice, and despite, the clamouring in his heart, makes a decision. “Doyoung,” he whispers. “I can’t do this.”

  
  
§§§

 

_two weeks ago_

 

Doyoung’s apartment smells like what Jaehyun imagines autumn might smell like, if it had a particular, distinct smell.

 

“You’re quiet tonight,” Doyoung says, curling up on the couch next to him, tucking his feet under the blanket. On the tv, _It’s A Wonderful Life_ trills on and Jaehyun wonders what it might be like to fall into a lake at that height of winter. To feel your lungs freeze up from the outside, to feel your fingers go numb and your breath stop up. He already feels all of these things around Doyoung, but he wonders if the lake would feel as pleasant.

 

“You’re quiet every night,” Jaehyun shoots back. “What excuse do you have.”

 

Doyoung laughs quietly, handing Jaehyun the glass of wine. “I’m glad you came back, even though I’m sure you miss your family.”  
  
Jaehyun shrugs. “I’ll always miss them, but it’s nice to be back in the city. Back w-with you.”

 

Doyoung’s smile widens, and his eyes reflect the warm glimmer of the candlelight on the table in front of them. “I feel the same way,” he says gently, and places a hand on Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun’s heart leaps into his throat, holding his breath hostage.

 

Then Doyoung’s phone rings and the moment is shattered. Doyoung draws back, startled, pulling his hand away and Jaehyun’s hand feels abruptly cold. He fumbles for his phone, putting it up to his ear, and rising off the couch, hovering at the edge of the living room.

 

“Yuta?” He asks, a wide smile on his face. “It’s been ages!”

 

Jaehyun watches him talk, looking down at the floor. Doyoung’s been everywhere and seen so many things, and knows so many interesting, wonderful people, and- and-

 

Jaehyun doesn’t fit in.

 

He doesn’t match. He’s a fluorescent discrepancy in the gold and glitter of Doyoung’s life. He doesn’t fit in. And the knowledge burns in his chest.

 

Maybe this is what drowning feels like.

 

§§§

 

_present_

 

“What do you mean?” Doyoung says, and there’s hurt in his eyes, glimmering and wide.

 

Jaehyun swallows. “I-I can’t do this anymore, we have to stop, I- I can’t see you anymore, Doyoung, it just, it hurts too much ok, and I can’t bear it and it feels like there’s an anvil on my chest, and- and-” he’s talking too fast, stuttering over his words, and his breath is coming hard, puffs of white clouding the air around them.

 

“Jaehyun, Jaehyun, breathe,” Doyoung catches his face in his hands, strangely warm where they should be cold and Jaehyun freezes, staring at him. “Darling, breathe.”

Jaehyun takes a huge, shuddering gasp, and he can feel tears at the back of his eyes. Oh, how was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to leave this behind? Leave him behind? “Doyoung,” he breathes.

 

“Don’t,” Doyoung gasps out, cuts him off before he can say anything. “Don’t do this, don’t push me away.”

 

“I have to,” Jaehyun pleads. “You don’t know how much it _hurts,_ Doyoung. Seeing you everyday, falling more and more in love with you, watching you _smile_. It’s killing me because I know, I _know,_  I’ll have to give it up soon.”

 

“No,” Doyoung shakes his head. “No, you don’t. Don’t give me up.”

 

Jaehyun blinks and suddenly there’s tears rolling down his cheeks. Doyoung’s eyes widen, and his hands move up his cheeks, smooth away the tears, burning into his skin as he does so.

 

“I love you,” Doyoung whispers, cupping his face.

 

“Don’t give me up,” Doyoung says, pulling him closer.

 

“Be mine,” Doyoung breathes, and Jaehyun makes a choked noise and kisses him. Doyoung’s hands tighten on his cheeks, sweep under his eyes. He kisses him back, just as lovely as the first time. Just as sweet and beautiful. But this time, it’s Jaehyun’s to keep.

 

Jaehyun’s eyes flutter shut and he slides his arms around Doyoung’s waist, keeping him close. _He’s mine_ , he thinks dizzily. _This man, this beautiful, wonderful, lovely man, is all mine._ Doyoung gasps against his mouth, his fingers tremble against Jaehyun’s cheeks, breath stuttering, and Jaehyun can’t help but smile into the kiss. Can’t help but laugh, pulling him impossibly closer, until he can feel Doyoung’s eyelashes flutter against his skin, can feel his heartbeat pound against his chest. Can’t help but kiss him, again and again and again.

 

The heavens open up and snow flutters down to land in their hair, in their eyelashes, tangling with their kisses. Jaehyun doesn’t stop. He’s wanted this for too long to let anything stop him. Above them, the clock tower chimes midnight, beating along to the rhythm in Jaehyun’s heart, screaming in joy, singing _he’s mine, he’s mine, he’s mine_.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought and have a great new year!!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hyxcheis)  
>  


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